How can I start this off....Well first and foremost...most of you people, see me as an ass. It's fine, I understand that, a lot of you do not even like me at all. I have what very few true friends on this game, that actually wouldn't betray me, they know who they are, and I know they haven't cuz it's something you know. They may think it's them, but I am not naming names. Anyways the purpose of this, I am not sure what's going on anymore. I spend time working/school, and have barely time to chit chat, and I play graal, counter-strike, ut2003. THats mainly what I do on the computer, add a study session in there for things in school, and thats basically it. Going out and doing things, eh, people do drugs, and smoke up..Thats not me, it'll never be me, frankly people who sit there and use all types of drugs, I don't really agree with it, but they may have other issues or just do it because, they are addicted and they love it. Thats not me, it'll never be me. It's not dissing anyone, people do what they do, and whatever they want to do. With that said for the past 2 years, has been up and down, and up and down. Constantly with a lot of misdirections and problems. I have made a lot of mistakes, and I do make mistakes because I'm not perfect, anyways, I'm guilty of talking trash about people, and stuff, but they are guilty of doing it about me.
What the point is, that I've never gone above and beyond that, I generally tell people to their face/im screen about my problems with them, generally. I am not fortunate enough for people to actually come to me and lash out and say this is what the problem is, yet they snicker and turn away and do their own little things, eg. Making webpages, making "funny" graphics, and such. It's so pathetic. Sure I can go out and do all that stuff about people, but if you have the time to do all that, you live a sorry life, and you really need to do something with your time than sit there and make pages about people, if you dislike them, be a woman/man and tell them straight up, are you afraid of what they'll say? or afraid that you may actually see that you could be friends with them? The internet has totally changed a lot. People are constantly saying "I'm your friend" then they'll take all information and betray that person for a simple laugh or giggle. Trust has been lost with me and a lot of people. Some people care, some people wish I was dead/gone. Hey those who care, I thank you but the fact is, I can't do everything. You request stuff, and I can't do things because in my heart they aren't right, yet it's corrupt of me, to give second chances. It's corrupt of me to allow people to have second chances, and give them what they want...Yep I'm definately the all mighty bad guy here, people sit here and constantly put me down, hey I put myself down, but the fact remains everywhere I turn it's something hateful and spiteful. For 2 years listening to people go on and on. People like Shavo, singling him out is quite easy because I don't like him but thats as far as it goes. I respect him to no end. Does he respect me? nah, is he going to ever? Nah he just goes around saying **** about me. I've said crap about him, but I stopped. I make it known that I don't like him, and thats that. I was hearing what he was saying today on Maloria, and well he can say what he wants. He has a habit of putting people down for laughs or for his following. Sadly he could be something much more if he used his talents for good, instead of how he handles himself. I said I respect him. I like his graphics, his work, his attitude, I dunno but hey I get over things so...To me no matter how much I hate that guy, I can sit there and talk to him 1 on 1 about whatever he has to say and RESPECT what he says and take into consideration of what he's saying. I've done that in the past for others.
As I said, I made some mistakes, I made poor judgements, and did things, yet am I ever able to be sorry for what I've done? Nah people make sure I carry it around forever, and just sit there and say oh look he did that a year ago, look at him...pffft whatever, I just am sick of everything right now. I wanted to quit graal so many times, but I can't walk away because of how I really feel, I sit here and ALWAYS try to do the right thing. You may not agree with me, you may not like it, but hey I try to do what I have to do. My "friends" know when I am on, I'm all business, I don't care if you are my friend or not, what has to be done has to be done...The perception of graal is that staff and non staff can't co-exist. People be-friend me because I jailed them or have to ban them. I am always trying to do what you want, it's impossible to please the world, it's impossible for everyone to like me, to care what I do or like what I do. I know atleat 70% of the people want me fired, or want me to quit. Sure sometimes I react, and I over react...but I just follow policy 98% of the time. It's hard to follow it when it changes, or that I'm misinformed, and I appologize for all the wrong I did to people, all the misjailings and all that. What can I do? I'm human, we make mistakes, I atleast have admitted that I've done wrong, and I try to better myself, better graal but it's never enough, it's never enough for everyone who hates me, or starts to hate me for whatever reason.
So I don't know where this is going, but I do know I am just at the end of the line here, I am gonna hire an assistant like figure, with unixmad's permission and train him and then from then on I dunno, cuz I know nothing will stop, they'll be more pages, more problems, more gossip, no matter what people pick out everything I do. I say one thing and it's all over and people are changing it, and making it to their advantage, or making pictures and posting them on pages, defacing me, discriminating me, being racist to me, everything......I'm just posting my feelings, and I dunno whats gonna happen, I do not want to leave, but hey I guess the people who rally against me will eventually kick me down and thats that. I've tried to make graal fun, I've tried to do what you want, tried to get you all what you needed. Hell with Angel's and Damien's help, I brought Graal Radio to the public. People liked it, but hey I'm the bad guy no matter what, always something bad has to go around, can't ever have any goodness. I try to bring the community together, and people instantly crash it down and start rebelling, it's something I can't fight it. People will read/listen to what their friends say, I said it before. I've done wrong, but I'm just saying all I want is a clean slate so I can make graal fun again x_X.... I have this radio, and I have all these other ideas, but they take time. I've worked my ass off for years on this place. I've taken breaks because I was burning out, and I turned to the people who thought cared, but actually didn't give a ****, so what is the point of trusting people. All I can say is that i have some pretty damn good friends on graal, that I talk to every day, they know who they are, and it's been almost years or years for me talkin to them....
I have a lot of soul searching and decisions to make right now, so I'll play music and just think and drift off and post when I talk to unixmad about the situation, I know to you guys I'm not even valuable, so hey, sorry for all the mishaps, the problems, everything... if I do start the radio tonight, you guys can tune in, I dunno how it'll be like, but if I don't turn it on tonight, then I'm sorry for who liked the radio, I'm sure someone else will do it and be ten times better than I've ever been....Just remember I tried to please the majority, but it was the minority of the people that just I dunno...I am seeing what I can do...I love graal, I want to be apart of it...I'll say I hate graal or it's not good, but it's outta frustration from all the abuse x_X, hard to love something when people constantly kick you and pick at you till you fall and just you just snap or break...I'm sorry to all those, what else can I say....I want to stay, if I get fired for this, or whatever, it was great being here, and I hope graal progresses into something grand in the future
-Fallen Nemesis x_X
01-04-2003, 10:08 PM
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